Friday, November 27, 2009

I'm ready to start my real life.

So, yesterday was Thanksgiving.  I was afraid that I would obsess about food, but I didn't (much).  I wasn't concerned at the big dinner, and I didn't feel gross afterwords.  I didn't overeat.  I had a piece of pie.  And I didn't purge.  I'm still concerned that that is becoming an issue.  I've never done it as much as I have in the past month or so.  I see my therapist on Monday, so I will talk to him about that then.  I still get the munchies at night, but I have stocked the fridge full of veggies, and snack on them at night, so as not to feel guilty.

I think'm gonna say it....the eating disorder is taking place of the self-harm.  It's another way of self-harm, I guess.  I never considered myself to have an eating disorder.  But I've done some research and I've come across something called "purging disorder".  I'm not bulimic, because according to those symptoms, one binges on thousands of calories at once and then purges.  I do not binge.  I sometimes purge after eating something that I feel guilty about...and I obsess about eating a lot. 

But, I think I'm in a good place...where I recognize the problem and have the ability to change it.  I don't think I'm too far gone to turn back.  I just need to get back to my normal life and start cooking for myself (healthy and organic) and working out.  It's hard when I'm not at MY home, staying with my parents instead (for now).  The "Mom food" is especially good and tempting.  She's a good cook.  And there are no organic grocery stores in sight in this small town.  Ahhh...Trader Joe's and Whole I miss thee!!

There is a gym in my apartment complex back in the city.  When I go back, I'm going to try to work out more there.  I always felt self-conscious about working out in front of people, so I stayed away from gyms.  But who the hell cares what they think?  I'm done giving a shit what other people think of me. I spent 29 years caring too much about what other people think of me.  It's time to think good things about MYSELF.  Not focus on others.  On ME.  It's ME TIME.

I've been looking into going back to school.  I have so much creative energy that I NEED to get out.  I want to major in photography with an emphasis in business, so that I can start my own business one day.  I'd probably have a business that does weddings and family stuff, to pay the bills...and then do artistic stuff on the side.  After the photography degree, I'd like to study glass art, sculpture, and "art and technology" (graphic design, web design, etc.)  I'm ready to start my real life.  Enough of living for everyone else.  I have dreams, and they're not being put off any longer.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

"Today is better than yesterday"

Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,

I don't know why, but I can express myself so much better using images and music.  My last post was somewhat dark.  I was in a dark place.  But I've been feeling a lot better since then.  There are good days and bad, but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad, and I'm very thankful for that.  I'm also thankful for finally finding out my diagnosis and getting on the road to recovery.  I'm thankful, in a really weird way, for the lessons I've learned during this past year.  They made me who I am today.  They made me strong.  They made me realize that I can handle so much more than I ever thought.  They made my relationships stronger, especially with my husband.  And I am SO thankful for that.  We can get through anything now, baby.  I love you.

These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"You make my soul hurt"

Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,

I wish, right now, that I wasn't getting better, so that I could have the high, the release, the relief of cutting myself.  But I can't do it anymore.

These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."

Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,

These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.