Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sometimes Music Can Save a Soul

This is a message I posted to the Rob Thomas message board. I thought I'd share it. Someone reading this may feel the same way about another artist. I'd love to hear your stories.

Also, pictured is an image I created during my worst point in life, when I was suicidal. Dry, dying flowers behind a cracked view of a broken life...trying to heal.

And I'm getting there, and music is helping to save my soul. Especially with songwriters like Rob Thomas, who seem to put into music exactly how I feel.

I'm not some obsessed fan, I'm just an appreciator of someone who lets their soul sing, so that others don't feel so alone.


Rob, this is going to sound so cliche...but your music has been a big part of saving my life and my sanity. I've been a fan ever since MB20's first album. I listened to it over and over again.

I didn't know it then, but I was in the beginning of a deep depression, that has lasted until now...and I'm still struggling. The past two years of my life have been pure hell. I've been locked in the hospital for suicide attempts (or threats), and have recently been diagnosed as bipolar.

Your words have always seemed like they were taken right from my own thoughts. I relate to them so much that my heart aches when I hear them. If you feel half the pain I've felt, as suggested in your words, I commend you for your strength.

"Her Diamonds" is a favorite right now. It is me, word for word. And my husband, too. He just doesn't know what to do, and he knows he can't give me the help I need right now.

I've recently hit what I'd call my "rock bottom", and am finally realizing how much strength I really have. I'm finally seeing the light, after being stuck in the darkness for so long.

Your words have always gotten me through, more than anyone else's. And I thank you so much for that. I've also had a lifelong dream of singing, but never had the confidence to sing anywhere but in my own home (alone) or in the car (alone)...but I like what I hear when it comes out of my mouth...and I have so many words written down...someday I'd like to put them in some kind of order and write a song. I'm tired of my illness holding me back, and I'm ready to follow my dreams. You are one of my inspirations, and there's no words to describe what your music means to me.

There is this 'stigma' of mental illness. People picture straitjackets and padded cells and "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"...all that shit...but I'm a normal (whatever that means) person...and I'm bipolar. I'm not "crazy", I'm not a "lunatic". It's a disease, and I feel like I can only tell the people close to me about it, or else be judged wrongly. Someday I hope to have my words heard, and help to remove that stigma. I want to help people with my you have helped me.

Bless you for your gift, and as cliche as this whole message sounds, it is from the heart and I am truly greatful for the gift you have given. And even though your words make me cry sometimes, they give me strength in knowing I'm not alone in the way I feel, and I can pull myself up and find the light...and I will...and will be such a strong person because of it. My "mistakes" and "fuckups" have only taught me that I can get through a hell of a lot more than I thought, and come out having learned something about myself in the end. That I am not weak, I am strong, and capable of more than I ever thought.

Thank you so much.

"After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
~ Aldous Huxley ~


Friday, October 16, 2009

Dream 10/15-10/16

I saw my psychologist yesterday, and told him I was having weird dreams EVERY night...he told me to write them down so we could discuss them next time. So...I'm putting them here... will probably make no sense, most dreams don't...but I'm just putting it here so I don't forget...should have done it this morning when it was fresh in my mind, but I felt like shit from the Effexor withdrawal.

So, one thing I remember is that my best friend and I were visiting some big city, for some reason I think it was Chicago...we were in a mall...we went to one store and found a jacket that we both really liked (though I picture it now and it was ugly..hmm...) we both bought the same jacket.

Then we went to another store, and it had tons of awesome clothes. We were loading our arms with clothes and dresses, some fancy dresses for some reason...and she convinced me to run out of the store with the clothes, without paying...she said that the alarm would not go off...and no one would see (duh...)...she ran out first and I ran out after her...the alarm sounded and people started chasing us....she was faster and disappeared somewhere....I ended up running through the parking garage....I ended up getting away and for some reason I was at my mom's house....the only thing I showed her was the jacket (which we actually paid for)...and I looked at the receipt and realized I had paid $300 for it...I FREAKED out...because I don't have $300 to spend on a jacket and I knew my husband would be I started running again...through some big building with marble floors and fancy columns...I don't know what I was running from or why I was running...

Looking at it in writing makes it make more sense. My bipolar disorder has caused me to do some stupid shit and get my husband pissed A LOT. And I am staying with my parents right now until I'm stabilized on meds...because my husband is bipolar, too, and it was just getting too tense...we are both getting therapy...he's stabilized on his meds...I'm getting Lamictal was just raised from 50 mg a day to 100 mg a day....I guess the dream may mean that I've been running from the problem for so long...and I'm finally starting to get somewhere, I just don't know where yet....

Monday, October 12, 2009


I need to start writing....but I always feel blocked....or I just don't know where to's all too complicated...and bringing back the memories in order to put them down in words is just too much right now........soon.....

....I did find an interesting link...about writing to different media to try to erase the stigma attached to mental illness.....

Once I get my thoughts together, I may send some letters out....but right now my thoughts are all jumbled....

I'm being weaned off of Effexor...and it is pure torture. The withdrawal is horrendous. I got put on Lamictal almost a month ago by my psychiatrist and it seems to help level me out...but I think I need a higher dose. a couple thoughts out....more to come, hopefully soon....there's a HELL of a lot to tell...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Hello world, I'm Bipolar.

I am bipolar. I've been through hell the past couple of years. Will get into that more later. I'm finally finding strength in myself and hope for a better future. Not ready right now to get into the whole story of how bad the past 2 years have been, but I will soon. I just wanted to say the words, for 'cyberspace' to hear. I am Bipolar and not "crazy". I want to help educate people and stop the stigma of mental illness.