tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36081598431939408902024-03-14T04:06:17.965-07:00End Mental Illness StigmaI am determined to help to remove the stigma of mental illness. When people hear the words "mentally ill" or "bipolar" they picture straitjackets, padded cells, images from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". Most likely, everyone knows someone with a MI, but even don't know it because the sufferer feels the need to hide their illness or be judged wrongly. We are people with illnesses. That's all.
Help me end the stigma.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-33481161831833002132009-12-10T17:33:00.000-08:002009-12-10T17:33:49.968-08:00I'll be fine. I always am.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDGGrlbziepSzOGoI8hzl-ByZNbl9Js0AZCwNvL5lqGMEA1GZjbPzItBcevq1SqNfTWubuRloxOipdZ4DKbBMM8vaQhuzNVAlQAiDfcjhNzTb3fR4IXVPhBCll7X1D_PeOa7h6nehW4Rs/s1600/note_to_self__smile_by_kisstheskies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDGGrlbziepSzOGoI8hzl-ByZNbl9Js0AZCwNvL5lqGMEA1GZjbPzItBcevq1SqNfTWubuRloxOipdZ4DKbBMM8vaQhuzNVAlQAiDfcjhNzTb3fR4IXVPhBCll7X1D_PeOa7h6nehW4Rs/s400/note_to_self__smile_by_kisstheskies.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>"I'll be fine. I always am." A year ago, I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth. But, they did today, and they're true. I will be fine, no matter what. I have been through SO MUCH this year that the tiny things that used to set me off in anger or in anxiety and worry are just that...tiny things...tiny things that I *can* handle. Even when bigger problems happen, I *WILL* be able to handle them. What hasn't killed me has made me stronger.<br />
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Since my last blog post, I did have a couple of "down" days. But not *nearly* as low as I've been in the past. I was just low-energy and not especially cheery for a couple of days. And that is OK. Everyone has bad days. My bad days now are so much more tolerable than they used to be. The life experience, the medication, and the therapy that I've had this year have made me so much stronger and able to take life on.<br />
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I am moving back to the city, back to live with my husband, this Sunday. I am excited about that. He has stood by me through some really REALLY tough times, and this time apart has only made us stronger. We are both bipolar and it seems, now that I've been properly diagnosed, that we understand each other better. We understand the disease and what it does to ourselves, so we can, to some extent, understand what the other person is going through. It is a blessing and a curse, but mostly a blessing. We were meant to be together, meant to go through these tough times together, meant to fight our struggle with bipolar disorder together.<br />
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I have no regrets. "Regrets are mistakes you don't learn from." And I HAVE learned from my mistakes. So...no regrets. Only strength, wisdom, and a newfound positive outlook and excitement for the future.<br />
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I'll be fine. I always am.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-19438934285009930522009-12-01T13:44:00.000-08:002010-06-30T22:35:45.668-07:00Relief, Happiness...it is possible<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://quakeragitator.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/happiness_by_wint3r88.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://quakeragitator.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/happiness_by_wint3r88.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I've been feeling a strange and unfamiliar feeling lately. It's called happiness. It's been eluding me for what seems like most of my life, but especially the past 3-4 years. My struggle with bipolar disorder has been a long and difficult journey...but I am so grateful for it. It has made me who I am today and I feel stronger and more determined than ever.<br />
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I wish that all of my friends who suffer could be at the point that I am today. The only thing I can say to them, to even try to help, is that it IS possible to be happy. It IS possible to make it through the Hell you are going through. Happiness IS attainable. It is not at ALL easy to get there, for those of us who suffer from mental illnesses. But it is possible. Therapy and medication, good doctors, good friends and great family...those things have quite literally saved my life.<br />
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There was a time when I wanted to die. I didn't want to face all the problems that were being thrown at me. The only reason I did not end it all was the mere thought of the devastation it would have caused my family. Especially my mother, who suffers from depression. I would not, could not, hurt my family in that way and possibly be responsible for sending my mother to a horrible place, mentally.<br />
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I have been through Hell this past year. I broke my lower right leg in half, literally. I have a metal rod and three pins down the length of it. I made it through that. Through the constant pain for 7 straight months...and the lingering pain that I still have. I was hospitalized several times in the past 1.5-2 years for hurting myself...including a 3 day stay in the psych ward. I even (I'm gonna say it..not ashamed anymore) went to jail for a night. I went into a severely manic state shortly after going on short-term disability from my job (for the 3rd time), and physically attacked my husband. In the state where I live, the primary aggressor HAS to be arrested. Neither my husband nor I had a choice in the matter. I was scared to death. The funny thing is *I* was the one who called the police. I was totally manic and in a daze. Shortly after that incident, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder.<br />
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The night in jail was pure torture and my own personal Hell. I was not allowed the Effexor that I was being weaned off of and went through HORRIBLE, HELLISH withdrawals which had me laying on a mat on the floor curled in a ball. I went to the courthouse the next day and was released on my own recognizance. It was the worst day/night of my life. But I made it through. With only a few tears at the beginning. None while in the "dorm" room with the other ladies, who were also on psych meds. I had to stay strong.<br />
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The women there all had lives that were so much worse than mine. I did not fit in at all, I'm no criminal, no drug addict, and many of these women had horrible addictions to serious drugs. But as different as we were, I sat down and found comfort in talking to a few of them. We talked about the difficulties we've suffered, and how spirituality has gotten us through.<br />
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I am not uber-religious. I am very spiritual. I don't follow a specific religion. But the only thing that got me through that night, and let me actually FALL ASLEEP in that place, was saying the only prayer I knew...the Lord's Prayer. I said it over and over again the following day, while still being held in the dorm, awaiting my release and going through the worst withdrawals from the Effexor. They told me after court that I could be released anywhere between that time (around Noon) and 2:00 a.m. I laid on the floor (I was too dizzy to lay on the top bunk), on an uncomfortable mat...dizzy...nauseaous...incredibly sick...and said that prayer what must have been a thousand times...until I was at my breaking point and thought I would snap....then they released me at 6 p.m....at the very point I thought I was going to break.....I was not given more than I could handle. I was given just enough to make me able to handle any situation now...to make me realize how strong I am.<br />
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It was Hell. This year was Hell. I was on disability from my job for many months out of this year. I just got a call from the Human Resources department at my job. I was in danger of losing my job because my FMLA coverage ran out 2 weeks ago. I was told today that my job was still there for me and would be there for my return on December 16th. It was such a relief. But the funny thing is...when in limbo...wondering if I would have a job...I didn't worry about it....at least not to the point of debilitating worry and anxiety that I have experienced in the past. I was concerned...but not worried sick. I knew that either way...job or not...I would be OK.<br />
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All of this struggle, this horrible year....I'm grateful for it. I am not worried about anything. I realized the other day, while making some jewelry (which I have NOT been focused enough to do for some time), that I felt a strange, unfamiliar feeling....happiness....it struck me...and I welcomed it.<br />
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For those who suffer, you are not alone. You will get through this. It is possible. Please stay strong. We will fight the good fight together.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-36380961799435580322009-11-27T16:56:00.000-08:002009-11-29T14:26:40.836-08:00I'm ready to start my real life.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVMyTSBFe5m57xx-OyieGMBnh3WwO0xlzIV_c4NbJOqqsnu1g9Sl2QPxtf1snt42MscLqRHcq2PvLgJDFk8ByJEViuVxO65KhLfoolaN0RgISymIDqRxLhb4FxVyrVMG5RQ4Um4UoXmUcx/s1600/3056179258_dc861b9449.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVMyTSBFe5m57xx-OyieGMBnh3WwO0xlzIV_c4NbJOqqsnu1g9Sl2QPxtf1snt42MscLqRHcq2PvLgJDFk8ByJEViuVxO65KhLfoolaN0RgISymIDqRxLhb4FxVyrVMG5RQ4Um4UoXmUcx/s320/3056179258_dc861b9449.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div>So, yesterday was Thanksgiving. I was afraid that I would obsess about food, but I didn't (much). I wasn't concerned at the big dinner, and I didn't feel gross afterwords. I didn't overeat. I had a piece of pie. And I didn't purge. I'm still concerned that that is becoming an issue. I've never done it as much as I have in the past month or so. I see my therapist on Monday, so I will talk to him about that then. I still get the munchies at night, but I have stocked the fridge full of veggies, and snack on them at night, so as not to feel guilty.<br />
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I think the...wow...I'm gonna say it....the eating disorder is taking place of the self-harm. It's another way of self-harm, I guess. I never considered myself to have an eating disorder. But I've done some research and I've come across something called "<a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/19/health/main3279401.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_3279401">purging disorder</a>". I'm not bulimic, because according to those symptoms, one binges on thousands of calories at once and then purges. I do not binge. I sometimes purge after eating something that I feel guilty about...and I obsess about eating a lot. <br />
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But, I think I'm in a good place...where I recognize the problem and have the ability to change it. I don't think I'm too far gone to turn back. I just need to get back to my normal life and start cooking for myself (healthy and organic) and working out. It's hard when I'm not at MY home, staying with my parents instead (for now). The "Mom food" is especially good and tempting. She's a good cook. And there are no organic grocery stores in sight in this small town. Ahhh...Trader Joe's and Whole Foods...how I miss thee!!<br />
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There is a gym in my apartment complex back in the city. When I go back, I'm going to try to work out more there. I always felt self-conscious about working out in front of people, so I stayed away from gyms. But who the hell cares what they think? I'm done giving a shit what other people think of me. I spent 29 years caring too much about what other people think of me. It's time to think good things about MYSELF. Not focus on others. On ME. It's ME TIME.<br />
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I've been looking into going back to school. I have so much creative energy that I NEED to get out. I want to major in photography with an emphasis in business, so that I can start my own business one day. I'd probably have a business that does weddings and family stuff, to pay the bills...and then do artistic stuff on the side. After the photography degree, I'd like to study glass art, sculpture, and "art and technology" (graphic design, web design, etc.) I'm ready to start my real life. Enough of living for everyone else. I have dreams, and they're not being put off any longer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-25273417333962742132009-11-25T22:12:00.000-08:002009-11-29T15:47:54.710-08:00"Today is better than yesterday"<div style="text-align: left;">Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/">A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images </a><br />
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I don't know why, but I can express myself so much better using images and music. My last post was somewhat dark. I was in a dark place. But I've been feeling a lot better since then. There are good days and bad, but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm also thankful for finally finding out my diagnosis and getting on the road to recovery. I'm thankful, in a really weird way, for the lessons I've learned during this past year. They made me who I am today. They made me strong. They made me realize that I can handle so much more than I ever thought. They made my relationships stronger, especially with my husband. And I am SO thankful for that. We can get through anything now, baby. I love you.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrOi5o4UV7lXDBA3_jtxGYUd59sHeZ7CrBts6IsjpbPyz-qvqh5TjS0ZpXJeunFkU5GfDzUQuNfwFG9kR4icXtHpORzAYgGc_B05q93rZDZFeG-y-01xCi5XMkSmK5XVzne4cWXqsd6Ml1/s1600/1243336693621714.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrOi5o4UV7lXDBA3_jtxGYUd59sHeZ7CrBts6IsjpbPyz-qvqh5TjS0ZpXJeunFkU5GfDzUQuNfwFG9kR4icXtHpORzAYgGc_B05q93rZDZFeG-y-01xCi5XMkSmK5XVzne4cWXqsd6Ml1/s400/1243336693621714.jpeg" /></a><br />
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</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhot4182tm1ZuVe8uzXQZmN1pqRgryEYHDPg-UeNdnH2Xgf1byX-NIfjkKXr_iElZXUkbqlgnlIDFtLexxKWJHnmqd6mCThI8XDORaz21FidgmRI5sokAe2O60DAFMeLmF_S7sThQsUKSkZ/s1600/tumblr_krr9khLKuo1qa8kiko1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhot4182tm1ZuVe8uzXQZmN1pqRgryEYHDPg-UeNdnH2Xgf1byX-NIfjkKXr_iElZXUkbqlgnlIDFtLexxKWJHnmqd6mCThI8XDORaz21FidgmRI5sokAe2O60DAFMeLmF_S7sThQsUKSkZ/s400/tumblr_krr9khLKuo1qa8kiko1_500.jpg" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-87911900645692049092009-11-19T20:28:00.000-08:002009-11-29T15:47:14.654-08:00"You make my soul hurt"<div style="text-align: left;">Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/">A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images </a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
I wish, right now, that I wasn't getting better, so that I could have the high, the release, the relief of cutting myself. But I can't do it anymore.<br />
<br />
</div>These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.<br />
<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-43574211508905013532009-11-19T00:07:00.000-08:002009-11-29T15:46:13.377-08:00"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."<div style="text-align: left;">Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/">A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images </a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-83067002403632014712009-11-15T22:06:00.000-08:002009-11-29T15:45:27.479-08:00"I'm in love with a fairytale"<div style="text-align: left;">Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/">A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images </a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-60514510739949230822009-11-15T15:56:00.000-08:002009-11-29T15:48:25.881-08:00"I need a hug, please"Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,<br />
<a href="http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/">A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images </a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time. I'll probably be having a lot of posts like this. Sometimes art or music are the only way I can express myself. The words don't want to come out. So, this does.<br />
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</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6SWexuZOgtgI2L6ygx_iKFpy2UAse0cGpoUgGDpv4z9fgV9u6CbL5ajGHPpHK3x2Y2uy2cQE2auGjMiZ33aDBb9YJ8XOENtR4EjGQBZTVbu2HDOYaZn8cPKnI-XfE_u76loGw23omSs/s1600/tumblr_ksd82bTboC1qzb7gjo1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6SWexuZOgtgI2L6ygx_iKFpy2UAse0cGpoUgGDpv4z9fgV9u6CbL5ajGHPpHK3x2Y2uy2cQE2auGjMiZ33aDBb9YJ8XOENtR4EjGQBZTVbu2HDOYaZn8cPKnI-XfE_u76loGw23omSs/s400/tumblr_ksd82bTboC1qzb7gjo1_400.jpg" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-90030766698290530532009-11-13T20:05:00.000-08:002009-11-15T22:18:41.584-08:00A Better Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxQvFwjSkDdcqHbGPNlOM06cxXeNv7WEfCSbUZOCsmX2Y-eqFSmpeICjpEnRLwJFKWnieYy0yiHQo1WxMW_gGn9WfrP2HwMU2lszGQuIpLMSRgPHIzQkufvUb71CwFQVd437XKCiTWsJNu/s1600-h/557788-7-beautiful-sunrise.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxQvFwjSkDdcqHbGPNlOM06cxXeNv7WEfCSbUZOCsmX2Y-eqFSmpeICjpEnRLwJFKWnieYy0yiHQo1WxMW_gGn9WfrP2HwMU2lszGQuIpLMSRgPHIzQkufvUb71CwFQVd437XKCiTWsJNu/s320/557788-7-beautiful-sunrise.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><span style="font-size: small;">Today was better than yesterday. Still worried about money, but it doesn't cause total debilitating anxiety like it used to. I used to let the anxiety consume me, and sicken me to the point of physical illness. But today was better. Yesterday was bad. I had a migraine and I was feeling bad about myself and made myself vomit 3 times. I'm concerned this is becoming a habit. I obsess about my weight and feel bad when I eat. I only want to lose about 20 pounds, I'm not completely unhappy with the way I look, but I want to look better and the way I lost weight before was by barely eating. I think I "got rid of" my food yesterday instead of cutting, like I would have done before. I feel the need to punish myself when something goes wrong. Even if it's not totally my fault, I feel like it is, and I feel like there is something I could have done to prevent it. I feel like there's always something being thrown at me, especially after I feel good for a decent amount of days...something always has to go wrong. But...I'm dealing with stuff better. So I guess that's good. That's progress. And I can't dwell on the bad things. I know everything will be OK. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-76200329442803394262009-11-12T13:23:00.000-08:002009-11-13T20:22:55.053-08:00Always something<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://image.blog.bitcomet.com/postpic/20090927/10340885_ebelqe090927153536.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://image.blog.bitcomet.com/postpic/20090927/10340885_ebelqe090927153536.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><span style="font-size: small;">I hate money. I hate surprises. I had surprises involving money, if it means I'm not getting as much as I'm supposed to. And I feel like it's my fault, because I'm on short term disability. I have a migraine. I feel like punching myself. I feel like crying but don't want anyone to worry right now. So I'll hold it in. I feel like I'm always screwing something up, even stuff that isn't technically my fault or under my control. I just hate money. It is the root of most of my anxiety. I hate it. I hate that I'm on disability. I hate that this is stressing him out, because he's handling all the bills right now, and now my check isn't going to be as much as it should be. Now he's just going to hate me again. We were going to spend time together again on Monday...like we did this past Monday, it was SO nice...but he probably won't want to now. I'm just a burden.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-72499265874545108162009-11-10T21:37:00.000-08:002009-11-10T21:49:44.140-08:00The Lonely Night<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHh5C1A8WeEFIqpdMHPimVb6lH06QIwbjAJ8xHxx4QWc2Eh1FskpPkw1g7IO8QP2O-BUCV3G1suHysTcQF_JxwX9-7gz68wawhnn_YSFsi2MH7xByZnihyWEtrNIISJVyCiYR8vjQg3-B/s1600-h/LonelyNight.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 335px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHh5C1A8WeEFIqpdMHPimVb6lH06QIwbjAJ8xHxx4QWc2Eh1FskpPkw1g7IO8QP2O-BUCV3G1suHysTcQF_JxwX9-7gz68wawhnn_YSFsi2MH7xByZnihyWEtrNIISJVyCiYR8vjQg3-B/s400/LonelyNight.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402719119831123298" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I get so sad at night...it's when everyone is asleep (except me of course, thank you, insomnia)...and I feel the most alone. I had the greatest day yesterday with my husband...I wish I was there tonight. Trying to hold back the tears but I can't. I just want everything to be good again, I just want to be happy. I'm tired of my life being up in the air, I'm tired of not being home, I'm tired of staying with my parents (bless them, though), I'm tired of not being able to fix it when my sister is hurting so much...I can handle bad things happening to myself...I've been through enough now that I can handle just about anything, and I'm thankful for that because I've become SUCH a stronger person...but I just don't understand why my sisters have both been hurt and have to go through pain...I wish I was the only one who had to suffer any pain...<br /><br />I just want to go home. Damnit. Nighttime is such a lonely time when you're away from the one you love. I don't ask "why me" anymore, because I know why...it's all happening to make me (and our relationship) stronger. Oh...but the night...the night is the worst....<br /><br />*big sigh* I feel better now. This is a good release for me, writing (blogging). I feel better, but still wish I were there with him. The journey continues...healing takes time. Patience, patience, patience....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-45142861575077362212009-11-09T20:15:00.001-08:002009-11-13T20:28:23.945-08:00Relief, Love, A good day, finally<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQs0OJRK8bHcIgNgqDoguztvJa5bdV1cxyRGqcSgPcdE-46oq1liiUSV9l_Yz8Xhh0WFaqCWeGBB8ueMBCjszDlotCcGqCWRfzRAB0ddhsl585STYEDUteqfjChd8HduDI5tJ6gWnDTIfk/s1600-h/young_couple_sunset_beach_365_243.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQs0OJRK8bHcIgNgqDoguztvJa5bdV1cxyRGqcSgPcdE-46oq1liiUSV9l_Yz8Xhh0WFaqCWeGBB8ueMBCjszDlotCcGqCWRfzRAB0ddhsl585STYEDUteqfjChd8HduDI5tJ6gWnDTIfk/s320/young_couple_sunset_beach_365_243.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>Had a really good day today. Started off a bit stressful, I was a little late to my psychologist appointment, had to drive 2 hours to get there and the traffic had me tense. Once I got there he helped me calm down and the session went well.<br />
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Went to dinner with my husband after my appointment and we spent some quality time together for the first time in way too long. It was so nice. Just makes me realize what I'm trying to get better for, so we can have more moments/hours/days like this. We're becoming so much stronger for what we've been through. It all happens for a reason, we live, we learn. As hard as the hard times were, the good times are so worth it. Can't wait to have more. <br />
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Life is finally looking up. My hope has returned. I'm so dedicated to conquering this illness and achieving my goals and being completely happy. I'm so lucky to have him, and lucky that he understands and supports me. My heart is BURSTING right now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-77023991245100653572009-11-08T21:17:00.001-08:002009-11-13T20:31:07.117-08:00Respect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha6Mjb7qWdJI3MnULK1WAe7-x2KknBN8-Klj28rBDT4-hVCYHHFrSip4r880SgQoxOg3lrSASDfOxrCAJZVMyrhv7HGdSePceA8Bw45Yh7FsM0I9VZY9TdxfKg24i-2oLDzvnzaD33Dqc7/s1600-h/Mars+Hill+Church+Seattle+-+respect.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha6Mjb7qWdJI3MnULK1WAe7-x2KknBN8-Klj28rBDT4-hVCYHHFrSip4r880SgQoxOg3lrSASDfOxrCAJZVMyrhv7HGdSePceA8Bw45Yh7FsM0I9VZY9TdxfKg24i-2oLDzvnzaD33Dqc7/s320/Mars+Hill+Church+Seattle+-+respect.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>Show me respect. Show others respect. And I will respect you. Disrespect me, and I will never forget it. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I feel like I'm being played. I'm far from stupid, so don't play me like a fool. Have some control and get your mind out of the gutter. I'm so angry. I'm wondering if this will ever change. I am not an object.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-33611732318432059532009-10-18T21:16:00.001-07:002009-10-18T21:34:31.238-07:00Sometimes Music Can Save a Soul<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1fHA3pNjANTKw4pwoIjyjxpq5nAvCu6_i_Xs2OnGCeYPwryZYGHHXytDeUZ6bTmXftnqc_29P1rEtW7WbKp-WuXRTivLTTROD7T8vM7QK-vjbnQS9c1J5Bz8jUWpWxKAewo7qorhGoFKr/s1600-h/CrackedLifeHeal.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 236px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1fHA3pNjANTKw4pwoIjyjxpq5nAvCu6_i_Xs2OnGCeYPwryZYGHHXytDeUZ6bTmXftnqc_29P1rEtW7WbKp-WuXRTivLTTROD7T8vM7QK-vjbnQS9c1J5Bz8jUWpWxKAewo7qorhGoFKr/s320/CrackedLifeHeal.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394161274159440562" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:85%;">This is a message I posted to the Rob Thomas message board. I thought I'd share it. Someone reading this may feel the same way about another artist. I'd love to hear your stories.<br /><br />Also, pictured is an image I created during my worst point in life, when I was suicidal. Dry, dying flowers behind a cracked view of a broken life...trying to heal.<br /><br />And I'm getting there, and music is helping to save my soul. Especially with songwriters like Rob Thomas, who seem to put into music exactly how I feel. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I'm not some obsessed fan, I'm just an appreciator of someone who lets their soul sing, so that others don't feel so alone.</span><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">********************************</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">********************************</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Rob, this is going to sound so cliche...but your music has been a big part of saving my life and my sanity. I've been a fan ever since MB20's first album. I listened to it over and over again.<br /><br /></span></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">I didn't know it then, but I was in the beginning of a deep depression, that has lasted until now...and I'm still struggling. The past two years of my life have been pure hell. I've been locked in the hospital for suicide attempts (or threats), and have recently been diagnosed as bipolar.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">Your words have always seemed like they were taken right from my own thoughts. I relate to them so much that my heart aches when I hear them. If you feel half the pain I've felt, as suggested in your words, I commend you for your strength.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">"Her Diamonds" is a favorite right now. It is me, word for word. And my husband, too. He just doesn't know what to do, and he knows he can't give me the help I need right now.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">I've recently hit what I'd call my "rock bottom", and am finally realizing how much strength I really have. I'm finally seeing the light, after being stuck in the darkness for so long.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">Your words have always gotten me through, more than anyone else's. And I thank you so much for that. I've also had a lifelong dream of singing, but never had the confidence to sing anywhere but in my own home (alone) or in the car (alone)...but I like what I hear when it comes out of my mouth...and I have so many words written down...someday I'd like to put them in some kind of order and write a song. I'm tired of my illness holding me back, and I'm ready to follow my dreams. You are one of my inspirations, and there's no words to describe what your music means to me.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">There is this 'stigma' of mental illness. People picture straitjackets and padded cells and "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"...all that shit...but I'm a normal (whatever that means) person...and I'm bipolar. I'm not "crazy", I'm not a "lunatic". It's a disease, and I feel like I can only tell the people close to me about it, or else be judged wrongly. Someday I hope to have my words heard, and help to remove that stigma. I want to help people with my words...like you have helped me.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">Bless you for your gift, and as cliche as this whole message sounds, it is from the heart and I am truly greatful for the gift you have given. And even though your words make me cry sometimes, they give me strength in knowing I'm not alone in the way I feel, and I can pull myself up and find the light...and I will...and will be such a strong person because of it. My "mistakes" and "fuckups" have only taught me that I can get through a hell of a lot more than I thought, and come out having learned something about myself in the end. That I am not weak, I am strong, and capable of more than I ever thought.<br /><br /></span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">Thank you so much.</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></span><div class="ev_tpc_signature" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br />"After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music."<br /> ~ Aldous Huxley ~<br /> </span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">********************************</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">********************************</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br /></span><br /></span></div> <span style="font-size:100%;"> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-12826064372013918322009-10-16T19:44:00.000-07:002009-11-13T20:33:29.681-08:00Dream 10/15-10/16<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/232361/path-black-trees-sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/232361/path-black-trees-sun.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
</div>I saw my psychologist yesterday, and told him I was having weird dreams EVERY night...he told me to write them down so we could discuss them next time. So...I'm putting them here...<br />
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Ok...so...this will probably make no sense, most dreams don't...but I'm just putting it here so I don't forget...should have done it this morning when it was fresh in my mind, but I felt like shit from the Effexor withdrawal.<br />
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So, one thing I remember is that my best friend and I were visiting some big city, for some reason I think it was Chicago...we were in a mall...we went to one store and found a jacket that we both really liked (though I picture it now and it was ugly..hmm...)...so we both bought the same jacket.<br />
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Then we went to another store, and it had tons of awesome clothes. We were loading our arms with clothes and dresses, some fancy dresses for some reason...and she convinced me to run out of the store with the clothes, without paying...she said that the alarm would not go off...and no one would see (duh...)...she ran out first and I ran out after her...the alarm sounded and people started chasing us....she was faster and disappeared somewhere....I ended up running through the parking garage....I ended up getting away and for some reason I was at my mom's house....the only thing I showed her was the jacket (which we actually paid for)...and I looked at the receipt and realized I had paid $300 for it...I FREAKED out...because I don't have $300 to spend on a jacket and I knew my husband would be PISSED....so I started running again...through some big building with marble floors and fancy columns...I don't know what I was running from or why I was running...<br />
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Looking at it in writing makes it make more sense. My bipolar disorder has caused me to do some stupid shit and get my husband pissed A LOT. And I am staying with my parents right now until I'm stabilized on meds...because my husband is bipolar, too, and it was just getting too tense...we are both getting therapy...he's stabilized on his meds...I'm getting there...my Lamictal was just raised from 50 mg a day to 100 mg a day....I guess the dream may mean that I've been running from the problem for so long...and I'm finally starting to get somewhere, I just don't know where yet....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-80323581890490263062009-10-12T18:49:00.000-07:002009-11-13T20:35:33.119-08:00blocked....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://currentliving.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/writers_block1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://currentliving.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/writers_block1.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
</div>I need to start writing....but I always feel blocked....or I just don't know where to start....it's all too complicated...and bringing back the memories in order to put them down in words is just too much right now........soon.....<br />
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<br />
....I did find an interesting link...about writing to different media to try to erase the stigma attached to mental illness.....http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SMA01-3513/Default.asp<br />
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Once I get my thoughts together, I may send some letters out....but right now my thoughts are all jumbled....<br />
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I'm being weaned off of Effexor...and it is pure torture. The withdrawal is horrendous. I got put on Lamictal almost a month ago by my psychiatrist and it seems to help level me out...but I think I need a higher dose.<br />
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There...got a couple thoughts out....more to come, hopefully soon....there's a HELL of a lot to tell...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3608159843193940890.post-38350347892400582172009-10-10T21:50:00.001-07:002009-11-13T20:48:16.824-08:00Hello world, I'm Bipolar.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_VGGQJva14wX4L7-cmEIkwZnu2zZdjY8m0jq-r4DtaaMfatEfeRitYrSB5wdjvktXgbq83nsdrxFZ7fjFLOeFllMxhclD9_1nc4-A7okg9sZYxsZ4b9JxSshKdrnCqEbtZk1rjpFPeNQ/s1600/tumblr_kscpf9B6YX1qzb7gjo1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_VGGQJva14wX4L7-cmEIkwZnu2zZdjY8m0jq-r4DtaaMfatEfeRitYrSB5wdjvktXgbq83nsdrxFZ7fjFLOeFllMxhclD9_1nc4-A7okg9sZYxsZ4b9JxSshKdrnCqEbtZk1rjpFPeNQ/s400/tumblr_kscpf9B6YX1qzb7gjo1_400.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><span style="color: black; font-family: verdana; font-size: 100%;">I am bipolar. I've been through hell the past couple of years. Will get into that more later. I'm finally finding strength in myself and hope for a better future. Not ready right now to get into the whole story of how bad the past 2 years have been, but I will soon. I just wanted to say the words, for 'cyberspace' to hear. I am Bipolar and not "crazy". I want to help educate people and stop the stigma of mental illness.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0