Thursday, November 12, 2009

Always something


I hate money. I hate surprises. I had surprises involving money, if it means I'm not getting as much as I'm supposed to. And I feel like it's my fault, because I'm on short term disability. I have a migraine. I feel like punching myself. I feel like crying but don't want anyone to worry right now. So I'll hold it in. I feel like I'm always screwing something up, even stuff that isn't technically my fault or under my control. I just hate money. It is the root of most of my anxiety. I hate it. I hate that I'm on disability. I hate that this is stressing him out, because he's handling all the bills right now, and now my check isn't going to be as much as it should be. Now he's just going to hate me again. We were going to spend time together again on Monday...like we did this past Monday, it was SO nice...but he probably won't want to now. I'm just a burden.

2 comments:

serialinsomniac said...

Believe me, I absolutely 100% empathise with every word. It all resonates with me, from the migraines to the hatred of having to claim disability. I know how much it sucks :-(

I wish I could say something to alleviate your pain. I can't of course, but I do hope your derive some comfort at least from knowing that you're not completely alone - online contact isn't the same as real contact of course, but many of us care and 'get it' nevertheless.

Let yourself cry all you need to when you are able. Sending you hugs and warmest wishes across the ether and hoping you'll feel a little better ASAP. Take care of yourself x

Jackie said...

Thanks :)

It's just frustrating. This particular paycheck, and the one I get on December 11th, are less than my usual disability paychecks, because I had used up all of my vacation days before going on leave, and the way they distribute those days is...in January, I get all of my sick days and vacation days...they are given to me "in advance" of actually earning them...so each month I work, I earn the days off that I have already been given. It's kind of a backwards way to do things...and I didn't know that this was coming. But my check tomorrow and on Dec. 11th are about $270 less than my usual amount...because I have to "pay for" the vacation/sick days that I used and didn't "earn"....and things are already stressful with bills as it is. This was unexpected and my work did not inform me of it, I just happened to look online and see my pay stub for my check that gets deposited tomorrow. It seems like there's always something, and it's usually some unexpected and unwelcome surprise with money. I feel like it's my fault, and I should have known or should have asked...but how am I supposed to know...especially since my head isn't all together right now? It just sucks. And my husband gets stressed because he's handling the money right now, and he has a hard time focusing as it is...*sigh*

Thanks for your kind words, it does help to know that I'm not alone. A Risperdal and a Xanax...I should feel better soon...or at least more relaxed.