Friday, November 13, 2009

A Better Day

Today was better than yesterday.  Still worried about money, but it doesn't cause total debilitating anxiety like it used to.  I used to let the anxiety consume me, and sicken me to the point of physical illness.  But today was better.  Yesterday was bad.  I had a migraine and I was feeling bad about myself and made myself vomit 3 times.  I'm concerned this is becoming a habit.  I obsess about my weight and feel bad when I eat.  I only want to lose about 20 pounds, I'm not completely unhappy with the way I look, but I want to look better and the way I lost weight before was by barely eating.  I think I "got rid of" my food yesterday instead of cutting, like I would have done before.  I feel the need to punish myself when something goes wrong.  Even if it's not totally my fault, I feel like it is, and I feel like there is something I could have done to prevent it.  I feel like there's always something being thrown at me, especially after I feel good for a decent amount of days...something always has to go wrong.  But...I'm dealing with stuff better.  So I guess that's good.  That's progress.  And I can't dwell on the bad things.  I know everything will be OK. 

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