"I'm in love with a fairytale"

Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,

A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images 

These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time.

 

 

"I need a hug, please"

Thanks to Jennifer, these images are from her blog,
A Journey Through Jennifer's Mind Through Images 

These are some images that evoked some emotion in me at this moment in time. I'll probably be having a lot of posts like this.  Sometimes art or music are the only way I can express myself.  The words don't want to come out.  So, this does.

 

 

 

A Better Day

Today was better than yesterday.  Still worried about money, but it doesn't cause total debilitating anxiety like it used to.  I used to let the anxiety consume me, and sicken me to the point of physical illness.  But today was better.  Yesterday was bad.  I had a migraine and I was feeling bad about myself and made myself vomit 3 times.  I'm concerned this is becoming a habit.  I obsess about my weight and feel bad when I eat.  I only want to lose about 20 pounds, I'm not completely unhappy with the way I look, but I want to look better and the way I lost weight before was by barely eating.  I think I "got rid of" my food yesterday instead of cutting, like I would have done before.  I feel the need to punish myself when something goes wrong.  Even if it's not totally my fault, I feel like it is, and I feel like there is something I could have done to prevent it.  I feel like there's always something being thrown at me, especially after I feel good for a decent amount of days...something always has to go wrong.  But...I'm dealing with stuff better.  So I guess that's good.  That's progress.  And I can't dwell on the bad things.  I know everything will be OK. 

Always something

I hate money. I hate surprises. I had surprises involving money, if it means I'm not getting as much as I'm supposed to. And I feel like it's my fault, because I'm on short term disability. I have a migraine. I feel like punching myself. I feel like crying but don't want anyone to worry right now. So I'll hold it in. I feel like I'm always screwing something up, even stuff that isn't technically my fault or under my control. I just hate money. It is the root of most of my anxiety. I hate it. I hate that I'm on disability. I hate that this is stressing him out, because he's handling all the bills right now, and now my check isn't going to be as much as it should be. Now he's just going to hate me again. We were going to spend time together again on Monday...like we did this past Monday, it was SO nice...but he probably won't want to now. I'm just a burden.

The Lonely Night

I get so sad at night...it's when everyone is asleep (except me of course, thank you, insomnia)...and I feel the most alone. I had the greatest day yesterday with my husband...I wish I was there tonight. Trying to hold back the tears but I can't. I just want everything to be good again, I just want to be happy. I'm tired of my life being up in the air, I'm tired of not being home, I'm tired of staying with my parents (bless them, though), I'm tired of not being able to fix it when my sister is hurting so much...I can handle bad things happening to myself...I've been through enough now that I can handle just about anything, and I'm thankful for that because I've become SUCH a stronger person...but I just don't understand why my sisters have both been hurt and have to go through pain...I wish I was the only one who had to suffer any pain...

I just want to go home. Damnit. Nighttime is such a lonely time when you're away from the one you love. I don't ask "why me" anymore, because I know why...it's all happening to make me (and our relationship) stronger. Oh...but the night...the night is the worst....

*big sigh* I feel better now. This is a good release for me, writing (blogging). I feel better, but still wish I were there with him. The journey continues...healing takes time. Patience, patience, patience....

Relief, Love, A good day, finally

Had a really good day today. Started off a bit stressful, I was a little late to my psychologist appointment, had to drive 2 hours to get there and the traffic had me tense. Once I got there he helped me calm down and the session went well.

Went to dinner with my husband after my appointment and we spent some quality time together for the first time in way too long. It was so nice. Just makes me realize what I'm trying to get better for, so we can have more moments/hours/days like this. We're becoming so much stronger for what we've been through. It all happens for a reason, we live, we learn. As hard as the hard times were, the good times are so worth it. Can't wait to have more.

Life is finally looking up. My hope has returned. I'm so dedicated to conquering this illness and achieving my goals and being completely happy. I'm so lucky to have him, and lucky that he understands and supports me. My heart is BURSTING right now.

Respect

Show me respect. Show others respect. And I will respect you. Disrespect me, and I will never forget it. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I feel like I'm being played. I'm far from stupid, so don't play me like a fool. Have some control and get your mind out of the gutter. I'm so angry. I'm wondering if this will ever change. I am not an object.